Awakening vs. Relationship: Can You Have Both?

Speaker A: 00:00:00

What do you do when your own personal growth feels like it's threatening the very foundation of your relationship?

Speaker B: 00:00:09

If you've ever felt that you're outgrowing your partner or that your partner's transformation is leaving you behind, you are not alone.

Speaker A: 00:00:18

Hi, I'm Heatherleigh, the Mystic.

Speaker B: 00:00:21

And I'm Paul the Skeptic.

Speaker A: 00:00:23

We've been together for almost 30 years. I live in a magical world filled with synchronicities, messages, mirrors, and cosmic wisdom.

Speaker B: 00:00:32

I live rooted in logic, science, data, and spreadsheets, very tethered to visible reality.

Speaker A: 00:00:38

And yet together, we make it work.

Speaker B: 00:00:40

We support each other, knowing we're on different journeys with different perspectives and purposes.

Speaker A: 00:00:45

We created this podcast to help you find your own middle ground, whether you're in a relationship, a marriage, or a partnership. To offer tools and conversations for navigating the friction that can arise when awakening.

Speaker B: 00:01:00

Happens at different speeds or doesn't happen at all. All we'll share what we've discovered in our own conscious coupling and give you insights, practices, and clarity that have the.

Speaker A: 00:01:11

Potential to support your union at a whole new level of consciousness and respect. Keep in mind, we are not licensed therapists.

Speaker B: 00:01:20

We're just sharing our personal experiences with you.

Speaker A: 00:01:23

Welcome to the mystic and the Skeptic. Welcome to the mystic and the Skeptic. I'm your host, Heatherleigh.

Speaker B: 00:01:32

I'm Paul.

Speaker A: 00:01:34

We have a really powerful episode for you today. We're going to be talking about when awakening feels like a threat. What happens when your growth creates a distance in your relationship?

through my awakening back in: 2022

And this took both of us by surprise, didn't it?

Speaker B: 00:02:18

It did, yes. In the past, we'd both, you know, done things together, but also then done things on our own.

And I expect this just to be another one of those things that Heatherleigh did on her own and was really shocked when she wanted me to go down this path with her and to share this experience with her. You know, I didn't really know how to react to that, and it wasn't something that I felt called to do or really even understood.

Speaker A: 00:02:47

Yeah, it was really. It was a difficult time for us, really. And that's why we're sharing in this podcast, because so many people have already been through this.

They're going through it now, or they're going to be going through it, through it in the future. It's a tough place. You know, there's a lot of change happening all at once.

And when you go through an awakening, you can kind of feel really insecure because suddenly things that were important to you are no longer important. And you kind of want to change your entire life to become more in alignment with this new version of you that you're becoming.

So it's a tricky time for both of us, and a lot of times your partner is not going to want to go with you.

So, you know, there's always that conversation as to, should I keep going in this relationship, this marriage, should we, you know, call it quits and should I be on my own doing what I need to do? So that's always the question. But first we want to talk about.

One of the things we discovered was that we were on completely different pages, different levels, different dynamics. And it's almost like we didn't speak the same language anymore.

I was speaking the language of a spiritual person, and my husband was speaking, let's call it earth language, maybe a very 3D grounded reality. So we're in two very different places. And my values really changed. So as I became more awakened, I wanted to do different things.

Suddenly I'm wanting to meditate three times a day. I'm reading all of these spiritual books. I want to take trips to spiritual places. You know, go to Egypt and Peru.

And instead of what we had planned, which was stuff that, you know, trips that we took in the RV together. So a lot of that changed. And also I had this really intense desire for a deeper connection, a deeper heart connection with my spouse. Right.

Like, I wanted to have these really deep, intense, emotional conversations together. And I don't think my partner felt the same way.

Speaker B: 00:05:01

Felt like Heatherleigh was on a journey that she wanted me to go with her on, but she left without me and didn't even leave a map behind for me to follow. So I wasn't even sure where to go to find her at times.

Speaker A: 00:05:19

Yeah, that must have been hard. Like, you know, I was so excited to be going through this process.

So it was hard for me to realize how left behind he probably felt because I was in this state of complete joy and spontaneity and connection. And I don't think I looked behind. I don't think I looked in the mirror to see where he was at.

Speaker B: 00:05:43

And I think you'd say that it was continual change and growth. So it wasn't even like you got to a place where I Could kind of then figure that out.

Like, as soon as I maybe got close to understanding what was going on, you were already moved on to someplace else.

Speaker A: 00:05:56

Yeah, that's being fluid. And it's a constant process.

You know, spiritual awakening isn't just one thing that happens and then you stay there once the door opens, it's like this continual process of knowledge, remembering, downloads, connection. You just keep going to the next level and the next level and the next level.

So those of us who are awakening, we don't really know where we're going, but it's exciting because we're happy about it. And it's something we've kind of always, on some level, we always knew we were going to get to this point.

So it's kind of like finally graduating from college after trying for 30 years. Right. You're really exciting. Here it is the moment I've always wanted. And so you can get wrapped up in that and not realize that your.

Your partner, not only do they not want to join you, but they're kind of being left behind in the dust. That was kind of hard for both of us because I felt let down because he wasn't with me and he.

He was feeling left behind because he couldn't really stay with me even if he wanted to.

Speaker B: 00:07:08

I think, you know, when we're mountain biking, at times if you're in a group, you know, if everyone's not working together, well, you can have a case where the stronger riders get to the summit and leave behind the slower riders.

And by the time those slower riders finally get to the top, the, you know, the front folks are annoyed that it took so long for them to get there and then they're ready to go, so they take off before or they have a chance to rest and take in the view. So, you know, we gotta figure out how to. To. To be willing to slow down for those that are moving slower and give them time to.

To grow and appreciate it. And, you know, also those that are, you know, dragging behind maybe just need to learn how to not so much keep up, but just put in the effort to.

To be able to. You'll ride at a pace that's comfortable for everyone.

Speaker A: 00:08:00

Yeah.

And I think one thing that I had to come to terms with was just being able to stay in my own lane as far as this was concerned, and not be worried about what lane you were in. I just started to focus on me and my journey and things I needed to do and the growth I needed to pursue.

All the homework I had and didn't worry about what he was doing, you know, because at first I wanted him to catch up.

And once I finally settled down and realized it might not even be a possibility, he may never, never be at the same level I am, I just had to be okay with that. Not everybody's going to be on the same journey. And, you know, I hear that a lot. I've said that a lot before, but now I really get it.

Here we are in a marriage, and We've been married 25 years now, almost 26, and we have this common ground together, but really, we're each in our different lane with our own objectives, our own reason for being here, and what we want to achieve in our lifetime, whether it's conscious or subconscious. And you have to honor that. Right. We're not the same, really.

So you just have to be okay sitting in your own space and realizing that you might be alone in that space and be totally okay with it.

Speaker B: 00:10:29

Right. I mean, I think it'd almost be strange if you were doing everything together in lock and step, you know, that doesn't provide.

You don't challenge each other that way. If you're both, you know, walking the same path. Exactly.

By walking different paths at times, we can challenge each other, be there to pick each other up, bring different perspectives into our relationship, and, you know, value that difference between us rather than using that difference to drive us apart.

Speaker A: 00:11:00

Yeah. And now that I'm really seeing the differences between us, I'm starting to really lean on those differences.

So there's parts of Paul that really complete me because it's a part that I maybe am weak in or I'm not interested in. Like, he manages all our finances because I have no interest in doing any of that stuff. He's.

He's the fixer, you know, if we have a problem, he's great at fixing problems. Right.

So I'm just leaning into it because now that I have a very specific goal for myself, I spend all my energy there, and I just allow him to do what he's good at, and it makes for a great combination.

Speaker B: 00:11:40

And even though I'm the fixer of problems, Heatherleigh has gotten much better at dealing with problems than in the past. In the past, if we were on a camping trip and something didn't go to plan, she really struggled with that.

And I think that I was able to help her understand that things are going to go well. There's going to be bumps in the road, and we'll recover from all those. That's all part of the journey.

We can't just check out and let the other person, you know, do their strength. We need to be engaged and to not only let them do the things that they're good at, but also appreciate it and learn from it to grow in our own way.

Speaker A: 00:12:22

Well said. I think we should share the story about the last time we drove out to Colorado and our engine blew up.

Because that's a great example of how this can really work to your advantage and also how to sort of compartmentalize a near disaster. Right. So we were driving from Indiana to Colorado in our hauling our RV, our 40 foot trailer, in our diesel truck.

We were, we were 12 hours into the drive. I think we were trying to do an almost impossible haul on that first day, almost like a 15 hour haul. We got up at 4 o' clock in the morning.

So we were right at that 12 hour mark and we're two hours from our first layover and the engine starts leaking fuel.

Speaker B: 00:13:14

Yes. I was driving and all of a sudden the truck announced cutting power to engine. And at the same time the check engine light came on.

So it seemed like in slow motion.

But I was trying to decide, you know, I looked up and saw there was an off ramp and was trying to figure out if I should drive all the way up the off ramp before stopping. And that's when this big cloud of black smoke came pouring out of the front of our truck.

So I pulled over, luckily at least onto a little bit onto the off ramp and got the truck stopped. We both jumped out.

Heatherleigh informed me that there was a large puddle of diesel fuel on the ground and fortunately the truck didn't catch fire and we got stopped in time in a relatively safe place. But this threw quite the wrench in our plans for the day and for the trip in general.

Speaker A: 00:14:07

Yeah, well, the trip actually was perfect, but at that moment we weren't sure what was going to happen. So we're on a very busy interstate with lots of traffic and very little shoulder roof.

And we had the only shoulder available for the next five miles, which is what the police officer informed us. So we went into our respective strengths. At that moment, Paul starts figuring out whether he can fix it. Right. Because he's Mr. Fix It.

So I start figuring out, okay, what's this about energetically, what's happening? Like were we supposed to stop because something was gonna happen if we didn't stop? Did we push it too?

Because that was way too long of a haul on a really hot day because this was in July, I think, you know, and what does all this mean? What steps do we need to take next?

So I went into my calm center because I didn't want to get into the chaos and make it worse, to start offering frantic solutions, frantic scenarios that would only spiral us into a bigger problem. So we sort of went off on our own paths and did our thing.

And I also called for roadside service at the same time to cover my bases and when I really connected in to the energy of the scenario. Because the first thing I ask is, is there something that I've done that's created this? Because this could be a reflection for me to be aware of?

And I got no. So I was like, wow, I didn't create this. I'm so happy. Right. But still, I'm in it. So I'm just choosing to hold my calm. And this is so unusual for me.

Usually if this had happened, I'd be going frantic. My head would be spinning.

I'd be thinking of all the scenarios that could be happening next, worrying about where I'm going to stay tonight, am I going to make it to my next destination? Which we did not. And what ended up happening was just beautiful. You want to give a quick description of what happened next, Paul?

Speaker B: 00:16:28

Well, I had a general idea of what part had the issue. And fortunately, then the state patrol stopped by and gave me a ride into town. The local auto place did have that part.

When she brought me back, I was able to fix the truck and we were able to get moving again.

Speaker A: 00:16:47

Yeah. So we weren't real sure. The truck was still a little bit dicey as far as the electrical information we were getting on the dashboard.

We made it a couple miles down the interstate and we thought, something's not right. Let's pull off. Let's go to the gas station, check it out. So as we're pulling off the interstate at that exit is the Ford dealer.

As we're sitting at the gas station, realizing that something's still not right with the engine, we're going to have to leave it at the dealership. I also find out that there is an RV park one mile down the road. So we had shelter. We were completely taken care of. And the RV park was so gracious.

They had a spot for us. They actually set up free cable for us because I was a little bit stressed. And they just welcomed us in. It was such a nice little quaint community.

It was very quiet, peaceful. And we ended up staying there a couple days because we had to wait for the dealership to open. But we just kind of leaned into it we didn't freak out.

We never made it to our destination. We had already paid for. But we were able to continue our trip a couple days later and get back on the road and get to Colorado. So it all worked out.

And we had to just sort of understand that there was a purpose in it, there was a reason we were there in that space, that very space, because it was a park I had considered staying at, and I had ruled it out. So maybe I had just made the wrong choice after all. But we just made the best of it, and the rest of the trip was absolutely beautiful.

And it turns out that that was the trip that we decided to actually move to Colorado. So that's a really good example of how all this can come into play.

But we want to mention something else, too, and that's the subconscious threat response.

When you are navigating this territory with your partner, you're probably going to perceive, like, a divide that happens between you if one is growing and the other is not. And sometimes the trap is when the person who's advancing or spiritually growing is going to feel like there's a lot of distance between you.

And when you look back at your partner, what you'll notice are some things maybe you haven't noticed before.

Or you might have feelings about the choices your partner's making, that they're lagging behind, or they're being stubborn, or they just can't see you for who you are. So some questions are going to come up, and you have to be really careful with these questions because they can be really tricky.

The ego will start to play games with you. The hardest part, I think, is to listen carefully to what's happening with your thoughts, because the ego will trick you.

So one of the thoughts that I had as we were going through this process was, he doesn't want to come with me. Does he really deserve to be part of my life? You know, that's an honest question, really. Does he deserve to be on this path with me?

But that's the ego. That's the ego flipping this into a threat response.

So it's hard to identify when you're standing your ground and when you're being your own person in your sovereignty, or when the ego is taking over and inviting you into a crisis that's not there. If you fall for the bait, you can make a real big mess of all of this.

If you see it for what it is, then it can be cleared pretty easily, and you can both continue to move on, even though one is in a different place of their journey than the other. And you don't know that you are ahead of someone else because it's not a competition. You're just in different places.

But that's where, for me, I had to do some work to really make sure I was seeing things clearly. I was honoring myself, but I was also identifying shadows that were coming up throughout the process.

Speaker B: 00:21:22

Yes. And especially for me, the change can feel like it, you know, an unstable situation. I can't really explain this. I don't see exactly where it's going.

It's hard for me to control.

Speaker A: 00:21:35

You.

Speaker B: 00:21:35

Know, really a lack of control there and inability to. To. To, you know, dictate what direction we're going. So at the same time, I. At times, I felt maybe a bit irrelevant.

You know, this big, exciting change was happening for Heatherleigh and not for me. So am I still relevant? Is my path, you know, no longer important?

Because her path is so big and powerful, and mine at times could seem to just be boring. So, you know, I think at times, you know, it's. It's really easy to retreat and just, you know, kind of put up your defenses and try to tune out.

Thanks to Heatherleigh, she didn't allow me to not have the conversation. So we had a lot of conversations about this. And, you know, I mean, it was hard at first. I.

You know, I felt like there were times where I could have said the easy thing that would have made her happy, even if they weren't truthful to me. And in the long run, those were. It was. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do, is just be honest. Certainly we can change over time.

And, you know, just because you're feeling something today doesn't mean you'll feel it tomorrow.

But your feelings are valid on both partners, and you need to be respectful of how they're feeling, even if you know they're not in alignment with your view at the moment.

Speaker A: 00:23:00

Yeah. And this is something I say in my keynote, and that is that your struggle isn't your setback, it's your initiation.

So this struggle that you're going through in your relationship is an initiation for the next evolution of you. So it all depends on how you respond to this as far as what ends up happening on the other side. Right. Are you going to get better?

Become a better version of you? Because the choices you make in what seems like a struggle. Right. In your relationship, it's just a bump.

And if you just see it as just a bump and you're willing to find your way through it, and apply yourself and really dig in and see where do I need to grow here? What is this trying to show me? You know, what's my role in this engagement? That's when you really start to grow, and that's a beautiful thing.

And we've grown so much. Just, just trying to put this podcast together. It really shows us where our strengths are.

When we sit down and we think about ourselves and we think about how we each respond to the relationship and what we each bring, it really gives us more clarity. Just being able to put that down on paper and share it with you guys, it's helped us understand our relationship a lot better, don't you think?

Speaker B: 00:24:28

I think it does. We definitely understand each other a lot more.

And I think what's important is do we make sure we celebrate our partners successes and growth their journey, not be jealous of them for the things that they're really doing well at or their. Their victories and successes.

And so even if I didn't always understand the path you were on, I always saw that this was a good thing for you and that you were growing as a person and that you were more happy and felt more fulfilled in your life. And so rather than focus on the differences, I really focused on the how.

How I felt this journey was a good thing for you and how you were becoming a better person and a happier person, to be quite honest, through.

Speaker A: 00:25:18

This journey, yeah, I wasn't very happy for most of my life. And that hadn't. It wasn't really a reflection on our relationship at all. It was just who I was. I wasn't happy. So this has been a big change.

Thank you, honey. But, yeah, it's about being curious and really flexing that curiosity muscle in your relationship.

Even though you don't understand what someone else is experiencing or what's important to them, if you can feel some ounce of curiosity and express that as such, then there's something there still to work with. Sometimes you have to fake it. I know Paul. Paul wasn't initially curious about what I was experiencing, where I was going, because he.

We don't have the same beliefs. So at first he was just like, nope, not talking about it. Don't even want to hear about it. So conversations were really tough.

And when you have that mindset, then there isn't any room for give and take. There isn't any room for communication.

So when we identified that, I think Paul can speak more about this, but I think he learned to at least flex that muscle of curiosity and practice it. And it helped a lot I think it did.

Speaker B: 00:26:46

It helped to just, you know, experience it, take it in.

You don't necessarily have to, you know, believe in it, but if your partner believes in it, then that should be good enough for you to be curious about it and open to hearing about it again. Being challenged by things that make you uncomfortable, that's. That's how we grow and. And become better people.

So even if I don't am not in completely the same place spiritually as Heatherleigh, I still am in a more spiritual place than I was a year or two ago.

Speaker A: 00:27:20

Yeah, if you call that. I mean, baby spiritual, we'll call it baby spiritual.

Speaker B: 00:27:25

Small victories.

Speaker A: 00:27:26

Yeah, small. Small victories, small steps. But that's okay, because that's his journey. That's the way he wants to do it.

And he doesn't even have to catch up with me because I don. I no longer have that expectation. And that, I think alone has created a lot less pressure for him. And I no longer have to think about where he's at.

I just walked away from that role because if it's none of my business, I can focus on other things. Okay, guys, so what's important to remember and realize is that it's not about fixing each other or the relationship.

It's about finding that overlapping space that you both share together. One person isn't superior to the other, and one person isn't broken just because they don't want to join in the.

The growth process of the other person. So there's so many different aspects we could explore in this topic, and we're just going to leave that for future episodes.

And I think next time, we're going to dig into what happens when your spiritual awakening starts to shake the foundation of your relationship and really makes you wonder, can our relationship survive? Because that's a heavy one. We had to have that conversation, too, and it's a hard one to have. And that's what we're going to go into next segment.

Speaker B: 00:28:54

In our next episode, we're going to get real about that moment where you ask yourself, should I stay or should I go? Because when your growth feels like a threat, you need more than just hope. You need clarity.

Speaker A: 00:29:07

Yeah, it's a really scary time. So we're going to be sharing the five questions that became our litmus test for can this work or should we part ways?

Speaker B: 00:29:18

If you've ever felt torn between your evolution and your relationship, you won't want to miss the next episode.

Speaker A: 00:29:25

All right, you guys, don't forget to join us for the backstage after show. We're going to share with you how to recognize a threat response.

Speaker B: 00:29:36

We are going to help you create a safety ritual, reframe fear with compassion.

Speaker A: 00:29:41

And guide you in how to speak the unspoken. So be sure and check that out. You can find the link to our private Hero app in the show description.

Thank you for joining us on the mystic and the Skeptic podcast. I'm your host, Heatherleigh.

Speaker B: 00:30:00

And I'm Paul.

Speaker A: 00:30:01

Until next time, stay curious, stay conscious.

Speaker B: 00:30:05

Stay connected, Stay connected.